Right of Passage, His and Mine. AROO!

Right of Passage, His and Mine. AROO!

Death and dying: What is my biggest fear? Most would think my legacy. What will I leave behind? Who will they say I was?

No, not you, not society, but my children.
Yes, of course there is some vain concern about such things.

My biggest fear has always been the pain that I will leave behind. 

I have gut wrenching overwhelming PTSD from the violence I have known, and the atrocious deaths I have faced,

I have felt more pain because of death and dying than I could ever explain here. At 17 I was at my mother's side, for the remaining months of her life. She succumbed the month after I turned 18.

I was the only one taking care of her. My father sent everyone else away. The pain it caused my siblings was unbearable. Not so much the death, as the absence from the process. I am the eldest and felt their pain, and watched as the years passed. I am the last surviving member of my immediate family of 7. My first husband died in an insane manner of violent death. I have survived countless suicides of family, friends and cohorts of all types. My little brother died, just last year. I grieve. My niece died, just last month and the gut-wrenching pain her children are going through, is so hard.


I try to be joy, love and peace in the lives I touch. I was blessed to find a deep relationship with God in 1979. It has taken this long to nurture, develop and trust in my relationship with God. A true loving God.

I do not want to hurt anyone, even in my passing to a beautiful new phase of my journey.

God knows this. He knows it is my greatest fear.

I am stubborn, and I fight, I fight hard. I am tired. 

SPARTAN



Those who know me, know that I have the final stages of cirrhosis of the liver, and a serious advancing portal hypertension. This was not caused by alcoholism, (which would have made sense,) but by an eating disorder. I have fought this for 4 years now and will continue to do so, with everything I have.

Sometimes when people look at me, after months of not seeing me, I can see in their eyes , the question: " You didn't die yet." They awkwardly mutter ,"How are you?"

As my last blog pointed out; My health has been spiraling down. I was slated to hit SPARTAN Nashville with my son, in Oct. (I just found out I was mistaken ...it's in Sept.)

My health has been deteriorating so badly that I immediately signed us up for SPARTAN at Asheville NC. (this past weekend.) Which was only a week away from the decision.

I so much wanted to do this with my son. He is our youngest of  our 7 children, and the only non adult left. I wanted to race with Team Southern Spartans with More Heart Than Scars. (I could write a complete blog on them alone. I might even do so. Please look them up and support them.)



More Heart Than Scars embody everything I want to teach my son.

Dedication-
Do not Quit-
Help Your Fellow-
Do not rob your fellow of their dignity, empower them to do it themselves! AROO!



ASHEVILLE 




We volunteered the day before our race. We "Marshalled" the "Tire Flips", then we took another shift, at the "Bucket Brigade." We spent a total of 14 hours volunteering, and watching, the most amazing athletes on Earth, champion their obstacles.

It was muddier than all get out. I had to purchase rubber boots to work in the day. I knew I wouldn't be able to race in them, but they helped the volunteer hours.

The volunteering and mud took so much out of me that I thought of forgoing the race. My son was nervous and would have welcomed my "bowing out."

God woke me up early Sunday and said , "Let's do this!" I shot out of bed, woke the lil monster up and off we went.

MORE HEART THAN SCARS





We got to the course, which by the way was a huge obstacle in itself. The mud was calf high in the parking lot alone and over ankle high in the festival areas. I was afraid of falling and grabbed my hiking pole from the back of the Jeep. (Oh and it was soooooo muddy, that my Hemi, 4WD with new all terrain tires almost got stuck!!)

The hiking pole might seem like a huge nono to folks. I really wasn't worried about them. I was worried about my safety, finishing and the lessons for my son.

Once we made it through the hurdle of the parking lot, we went to register. We ran into some great new friends at More Heart Than Scars I just love these guys. We paid to change our race time to make sure we could race with them. We went to the TSS tent and realized they had already left for the start line (or so we thought.)

We got to the race start line, and took off.

We couldn't find them or TSS and before the first obstacle, I LOST MY SON!!
My help mate, my buddy my partner. We worked so hard for this! Sheeeeeet!

He thought I was ahead, I thought he was waiting ahead. After not finding him for about a mile, I knew it was time to race my race and trust him, trust God with him. I got mad once, and that was when I fell off the 6ft hurdle. He wasn't there to catch me! It set in that it wasn't his job and that I need to race smart.


Now, all my fancy dancy photos on social media are looking all badassery, but this old lady raced safe. I spent 80% of my race staring down out my my feet saying "One step, girl, come on one step..." It was a muddy mess!

One step at a time, with my trusty walking pole. It was my race. My age should play some part in this, being 58, but it doesn't. My muscles and bones are strong. It's my dizziness from the low blood counts.

 Yep, one step at a time, with my trusty walking pole. Well, except in the mountains, of which I had to throw it up to someone lol OR any of the obstacles. Some great Spartans would often carry it for me to the other side of the obstacle. It helped greatly with the creeks, rivers and streams.

I only got one injury, and that was to my arm as I grabbed a 6ft hurdle to stop myself from falling. I did not succeed. I fell on my back, recovered and got a nice lil momento.

A guardian angel did appear for me and I have written about it on social media.
You can find it Here


THE POINT


I ran my race. Independently, best I could.
My son ran his race. He finished it 2 hours before me! He nailed all but 3 obstacles. He nailed the spear throw in one try, which was his ultimate goal, (after a fellow Spartan gave him a spear last year. We love you Donovan!)
He helped others as they needed. After he finished his race, he waited patiently at the Mudwall for his Mama to pass by.






Ohhh I tear up at this.

He is a MAN.

He did it without his Mama. He did it without taking care of his Mama. He ran his race. He will be ok. He called on God to help him. He called on God to help me. He was/is strong/able and confident.

All he could do was talk Spartan. He asked if he can do his SPARTAN TRIFECTA and bring his friends. Like last year, he just wanted to wear his well earned Spartan Volunteer shirt to his first day of school. He takes such pride in volunteering. He just babbles on and on about More Heart Than Scars You will see him racing with them some day.


God knows my heart. He knows I needed this more than a medal, more than those badass pictures.
My family will all be ok, whether God calls me home tomorrow or in ten years. There will be pain, but there is a legacy.

WE ARE SPARTAN!! ~shell

**MUD of ASHEVILLE**

Thanks to 
Robert Ornelas
We have some amazing examples of what the course looked like aside from the "Glamor Shots." 
He has given me permission to use his photos. Thank you Robert. AROO











And then...there's this.....



 Photo by my son, as he waited for me to cross!





Fini

Comments

  1. OK SO I JUST READ YOUR STORY....OF COURSE I CRIED...AND STILL AM,.BUT HONEY...YOU ARE NOT LEAVING YOUR FAMILY, YOU ARE JUST GOING TO HEAVEN TO WATCH OVER THEM WHEN THE TIME COMES...AS LONG AS THEY REMEMBER YOU AND THINK OF YOU EACH DAY...YOUR SPIRIT WILL LIVE ON FOR ALL OF ETERNITY..I BELIEVE THIS WITH ALL OF MY HEART AND SOUL.
    I KNOW I WILL REMEMBER YOU AND YOU HAVE TOUCHED MY LIFE. YOU TOUCHED BRIAN AND MONIQUE'S LIVES AS WELL AS WITH SO MANY OTHERS...SOMETIMES I WONDER WHAT HAS BEEN MY PURPOSE ON EARTH AND WHAT IT IS NOW...IT WAS TO BE A TEACHER, TO L OVE, TO GIVE, TO EDUCATE, TO MOTIVATE, AND IN SOME SMALL WAY I STILL DO THAT...GOD BLESS YOU WARRIOR GAL GOD BLESS AND PROTECT YOU!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wow - Thanks! So Inspiring... I was never into Marathon, but I really want to do Spartan. Now I have to! Cheers, Mick

    ReplyDelete

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