Toxicity and Toxic People-It's All About your Health.

Bam! The real topic shows up. Toxic people. How do they affect us? Who are they? How does it affect our health?

You have seen the memes, the countless social media posts: Toxic People Must Go! -Narcissism- Read here and Eliminate all toxic people from your life! Get rid of them for life!

Let's flip the switch.

What if YOU are the toxic person? Have your words ever hurt anyone? How is your toxicity level? What is your gauge? Have you internalized all negativity around you? Even the memes of hatred towards others? Have you become judgmental? Controlling your environment to try to just survive? Have you shoved all your pain, shame, anger, resentments so far down that "fake it till you make it" becomes a lifestyle? Self medication become the self healer? (Food, running, shopping, drugs, alcohol, sex etc.)

Critical, blaming, shaming IT'S THEM they MADE me feel this way.

That sure sounds like an awful lot of questions. I think we have nailed the problem right on the proverbial nail head!

 I believe unresolved hurts, pains, anger and self pity created my lack of movement, especially when I was getting ill. I started to feel worthless. I am normally a vibrant, outgoing and kinda crazy gal.

Was it depression that made me sick or was I depressed because I was sick? I believe it started to feed itself. I would try so very hard to do all the things I used to because it was where I found my worth.

I became my own toxic enemy. Then I wouldn't eat and my body would react. My home would become unsanitary (Hence the blog on space, sounds and scents. Check it out!)

 I hid from the public, in isolation, because I gained a few pounds. I was not using alcohol or drugs and it's  a miracle that not only did I not pick any up but I quit a 20 yr smoking habit. 
I was no longer the bubbly bouncy rocking athlete. I would stop going to the doctors. I no longer was taking care of myself.
Of course it was everyone but myself's fault.
The introspection that comes from hiding from the world, turns everything inside out. My childhood past (which is horrific and will be out in book form as soon as I finish,) would become the movie inside my head. Every negative word, sight and sound became my own.

I got sicker and sicker. My sisters died, my father was about to and I had been given notice a few times already to get my "affairs in order." I had gained over 300 pounds and my body was shutting down completely.

Long before , I got terribly ill,  and before the weight gain,  I had been already on this road to recovery and I fell in love. He was as positive as I needed. Filling me with hope, joy, admiration. Of course it was because of the recovery I was in. The healthy body and knowledge of "self awareness/help." That romance season lasted quite a bit...until I had a surgery, a biopsy. It ended. He became my caretaker. I became the victim. It was like drinking again. The toxic behavior, again became the norm. Every time I tried back on the road of recovery it would boil down to this. I would become toxic, shamed for it, retreat, isolate, get sicker. It became an edless cycle that I could not break.

Until I took on ME. To thine own self be true. I thought he would be so happy. He would jump at the chance of being my adoring husband. Look! I am vibrant, healthy, fun and me again!! Nope. The damage was done. He has become who I was. Blaming, shaming, despising, isolating. I of course took the blame for that. Then I saw myself climbing back into hamster wheel of hell.

 "Fake it till you make it" is for moments not a lifestyle. As much as I needed to make the choice to walk away from the cycle, he does too.

He tries to "Buy me happy," lavishing wonderful gifts on me. I must admit it works for a minute...he tried to add as many minutes as he can. It is fleeting because it is not the solution. Honesty, forgiveness, healing is the solution.

You see my worse toxicity behavior has been towards myself. Even right now. I want to crawl into bed and just hide.

Self sabotage. Yes, I have been hurt, surrounded by tragedy but the choice needs to be TO LIVE. To live out loud.

Can I forgive myself for the years I have wasted sabotaging my life? My health? My relationships? Not if I am busy blaming others, that's for sure.
I am blessed to have a very strong Spiritual life. I can go to God, especially when all of these things are exposed. I can forgive those who have harmed me.

I am them. Ya know? One thing for certain: When you start healing from your own self harm, it's amazing how all the other toxic farts seem to dissipate! I honestly do not tolerate behavior that harms me. You see, if I won't let myself get away with it, I'll be damned if you will. Yet, I can forgive, love and move on. Mercy comes with repentance. Grace is a free gift...unconditional and never-ending. Mercy? Oh, whether it be consequences of life, love or toxicity, that comes from turning it around. Turning from the behavior creating the toxic environment.

Back to the solution:
Prayer, meditation
Sights Scents Sound
Body
Soul

One day at a time,  not wasting moments on morbid reflection,  regret and fear.
One tiny step at a time, not neglecting the elephant in the room.

That's a lot to chew on.

We will do it together, in a home of healing, loving,  forgiving. .. and in our own individual ways.

It's not easy. Never has been. It's worth it.