The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly


I have been planning for weeks to be blogging about "Food Prep." I am a failure at it, and of even blogging about it. The accountability is so necessary.
Now I have a blog of a whole different color.


We stay in the TRUTH. 


I am not sure how to write this blog as I love to accentuate the positive.

I truly believe we have so much say in what we think, how we feel and the choices that we make.

I spent many years festering and fostering illnesses with my thinking, choices and bad behaviors. I also created hardship, heartache, fear and sometimes even terror in those who surrounded me.

I have since spent many years now, making living amends through healthy living, thinking and growing to those I love and to so many who have gone before me.

But, please, let me be very clear:

WE DO NOT CREATE THE OUTCOME





I have been blessed that healthier living has literally extended my years. I have had 4 wonderfully hard, well lived, well loved years, passing the expectancy of my surgeons and doctors. I fight to live and to live abundantly. I pray to teach this way of living to all of my children. Above all, love one another, pray for one another, comfort one another.


The roller-coaster ride of health situations is quite dizzying. The deaths surrounding me have been a magnet towards the inevitable, but more so to the pain it brings to so many others. My dear BIL (brother in love) died just this month, of the very disease that is trying to kick my ass. (Please, pray for my adoring husband. You can not imagine what he is going through.) It's ugly, it's painful, but not nearly as painful as watching others mourn.


My dear friend Mo, lost her very best friend Ting. Her heartbreak has touched me more than most of the deaths around me. Her heart is simply broken to tiny little
pieces. She is creating a beautiful mosaic of love, memories and beauty with the shards of brokeness that remain. The process itself is almost unbearable to watch, for those who love her so. I myself included. I would do anything to comfort her but am powerless.

My best friend Doc has lost his incredible son Joshua to a terrible, painful death and is now watching his young daughter go through the same. I am powerless. I can create benefits to help financial situations, I pray, I hug...but so powerless over the outcome.



Such is life

This week I went to my liver specialist,  a bit apprehensive, because I had been feeling ill for about a month. So ill, that I would become disoriented while driving and end up in the wrong state, just trying to get my kids to Youth Group! My friends would remember that is exactly how ill I was when I was bedridden 4 years ago. Wow, had I fallen so far back?

My liver specialist looked at the blood work from my last visit with my primary care physician. (I blogged about it, awhile back, exuberant at the miraculous findings.) He had such high hopes.

He even said that if my blood work looked the same as it did in Jan. then he wouldn't even need a biopsy. He thought that perhaps, miracle of miracles, even though my liver is completely encased with scar tissue that it was regenerating!
We did a sonogram and got all blood work current and we wouldn't know the results till the next day. He also said the build up of ammonia was why I was so discombobulated and we could remedy that with a few things. It was very common with the final stages of cirrhosis. He did say that if we were regenerating then I would become stage 3 and no longer stage four!


I must admit, I got so excited. I didn't want to tell my family, because...we didn't know...it was just a hope. I, being this miracle walking, truly believe in miracles and just couldn't keep my mouth shut. I told a total of 3 people. Oh how I wish I hadn't. My youngest son...said of course Mama, you always turn it around! You always kick it's butt.

I got the results the next morning, but didn't want it affecting my time at the gym. I worked out with a fervor. It was like I might live another 20years of kick ass seizing the days. I got home and looked at the records and BAM. The results were worse than they were before, much worse than last Jan. The worst they have ever looked. Everything from platelet count to white blood cells...the gamut...

Not so good. There have been a few things I can try with my herbs. The liver has no lesions, which helps, kidneys are looking good and my spleen actually looks better.

People ask me about a transplant and with my platelets being so low, I can't even get a tooth pulled. My blood will not clot or heal my body.

THAT IS THE TRUTH



Now, what to do with it?
Seize the day! I will spend more time in doctors and hospitals than at the gym and trails...can we all say eww? I will SPARTAN. I will go camping, hiking, fishing and singing my face off. I would like to record a jazz project for the kids...but time...

There will be bad days. I will talk about them, which will eliminate their power to rob me of the day's joys. If you only want to hear about how I enjoy the good days, please unsubscribe, pray for me and know I love you. If you can handle the good, the bad and the ugly, then we will walk through this together.

The flowers are still beautiful. Pain does not stop that. The birds are singing loudly and the sun will still shine. My children still need an adoring mother. I shall be one until the day the Lord calls me home. The book writing has been hard because of the PTSD of my past. I must be very careful to not let the negative swallow me up. Hence the need to blast it and not hide it from anyone.

I need to do all the things I love, to not become bitter, bitchy, complain-y, fault finding.

Surround myself with love, art, music, peace and I will generate these things to all around me. Then we feed one another, and those around us and love breeds love. Yes, this is the solution.

My dear friend Bree, on hearing of my bad blood results, posted: I have the next two days off. I am taking my fur babies to the beach and living it up in your honor. OH PLEASE friends. That is the kinda stuff that invigorates me.

Please, no one say "I am soooo sorry," Pity sucks..and can feed self pity...I have no time for that. Tell me HOW will you seize the day. How has God blessed you with miracles? How do you conquer the obstacles and demons. Let us live out loud and love.

We can talk about fear, anger, resentment, pain, but conquer it with LOVE, forgiving, healing.
Stay in the truth, no matter how ugly it is, walk through it with love.

I can be afraid, angry and hurt, but I can not live there without it being detrimental to my health and to those around me. "I am going through HELL" well, dude, don't sit there, get through it...run if you have too. ♥

More love than you can ever imagine. Spread it. The world needs it so. I am blessed for God waters my soul. Not by might, nor by power (Oh I am proof of that, I have powerlessness down to an art...) but by my Spirit, saith the Lord.
~shell


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