Rantings & Praise ~shell

Right of Passage, His and Mine. AROO! Death and dying: What is my biggest fear? Most would think my legacy. What will I leave behind? Who will they say I was? No, not you, not society, but my children. Yes, of course there is some vain concern about such things. My biggest fear has always been the pain that I will leave behind.  I have gut wrenching overwhelming PTSD from the violence I have known, and the atrocious deaths I have faced, I have felt more pain because of death and dying than I could ever explain here. At 17 I was at my mother's side, for the remaining months of her life. She succumbed the month after I turned 18. I was the only one taking care of her. My father sent everyone else away. The pain it caused my siblings was unbearable. Not so much the death, as the absence from the process. I am the eldest and felt their pain, and watched as the years passed. I am the last surviving member of my immediate family of 7. My first husband died in an insane man

Spartan!!  Liver Disease be Damned I have been procrastinating on writing this blog/post.  We must take the bad with the good. I have been trying to just fill my life, mind, posts with all the positive notions that I can. We have had some crime/drama/death these past months, yet there's been great loveliness and glorious things too. Right now I am feeling the spiral down. I pray it is just a lull, but test results have been validating my concerns. I need to get as involved in my medical journey, as I am my children, family, recovery and healthy activity. I have been trying to get everything "in order" before I start the medical process of tests, solutions and the horrifying dive, rather, the leap into the guinea pig hell, that comes from turning it over to Western Medicine. I promised myself and my family that I would get going in May. Yes, I know it's August! I did go in for tests, procedures and prodding in May. Results were unfavorable and the so