It's not always as it seems.- Making the Best of Today

Happy Birthday to me!

We have spent a weekend celebrating, laughing, singing and dancing.

58, feeling great!

Smiles, laughter, celebrations. 
It's not always as it seems. 

We have been creating new memories of a day that is so very hard for me.

It wasn't always so hard, but the past four years are nearly overwhelmingly painful. I couldn't focus on the pain. I have been too ill to let it have any say in my process. My physical health took priority as we were desperate to keep me alive.

Now, with a wonderful therapist, incredible healing both physical and emotional, and a powerful support group, I am honest with the pain.

4 years ago was the last time I saw my father alive. It was on my birthday. It was a terrible experience as he was very ill and living in horrific conditions. It was also the last time I saw my brother and my eldest daughter. Both my father and brother have since died. My daughter chooses to not speak, hear from or have any contact with me. She has let other's know not to speak my name. She is very much alive and living well. She is an amazing lady and I love her completely. I do not reach out to her, out of respect for her wishes. She says it is way too hard for her. I had hoped it would take a few months of healing and we would be the dear friends we once were. I have since grown as a person and I am certain she has too. The years just keep adding up.

She didn't contact me when I had emergency surgeries, nor when my father or brother died. I knew then that she seriously needs the estrangement for the betterment of HER life and that is exactly what is important for HER life. I admire her for her resolve to do what is right for herself. To thine own self be true is one of the greatest lessons that we all can learn.

There is no way we can be there for others without a foundation of self, my foundation being grounded on a Spiritual base, God.

Now, I will surround myself with love, laughter, fine food, music and joy. We have already started the festivities, but I mourn the loss of those I love, with true heartache and hopes of healing.

This weekend, I gathered with my children and got loves and presents,  we got a new piano and we sang songs. I got a new video-game and acted 12.

We went to church and worshiped the roof off. We went out to dinner and had a lovely date.

Tomorrow, the day of my birthday, I will first hit the gym for a few hours. I will put my hiking boots on and hit the trails in the rain. I will cry, mourn my daughter's and my estrangement and the loss of my whole nuclear family. (Mom, Dad, 2 brothers 2 sisters...ad nauseum...) I will take it to therapy for an hour and then have a wonderful homemade seafood dinner with my family. We will play music, laugh and rejoice in the joy.











We will walk through the pain, but it will not own me, nor my day, nor be toxic to those around me.
Years ago, I was given weeks to live... It taught me that every day is a gift. We seize it, we claim it, we live out loud!!

 Thank you Lord for another day. Let me love beyond words all those around me.

I love you Jen. I miss you. I give myself the right to say that, as my birthday gift to myself. I claim my right to say it hurts like hell, and I will go on and kick the heck out of this journey called life. One day at a time!

Happy Birthday to me!